Conversation With A Hacker

This person hacked my boyfriend a few days ago and even though I was pissed that she hacked him. She made some points and ask me shit I couldn’t even answer. You might not be able to understand what was said cause she types like a damn an animal. But she types fast as hell. Anyway, regardless of the fact she invaded my privacy and was trying to show me something I’ve already seen. She didn’t have to hack me to see who I was.

||xhackzor.divax||: i hackd your bf

||xhackzor.divax||: i deletd hiz yah!

||xhackzor.divax||: i hackd u too wen u left 2 c yo friend cj i lukd @ all yo mssgs b4 i hackd yo bf.

||xhackzor.divax||: gav me mo of a reason 2 hack him

||xhackzor.divax||: hes hurtin u n he dont care.

Nikiea Barnes: So um, you deleted his Y!?

Nikiea Barnes: For what though?

||xhackzor.divax||: i dont lik hm…hes a whore.

||xhackzor.divax||: plus he dont like me.

Nikiea Barnes: You know what so fucked up about this?

Nikiea Barnes: I bet you one of them people off his list I told him about.

Nikiea Barnes: That came and told me that they didn’t like him.

Nikiea Barnes: You from CS?

||xhackzor.divax||: yah i hav a cs name

Nikiea Barnes: Thats what I thought.

Nikiea Barnes: So just cause you didn’t like him, you delete his Y!

||xhackzor.divax||: yes

Nikiea Barnes: What else you delete?

||xhackzor.divax||: hz pb

Nikiea Barnes: What?

||xhackzor.divax||: photobucket

Nikiea Barnes: You’re petty.

||xhackzor.divax||: i did u a fava he had all typz of nudez

Nikiea Barnes: I know this already, he has them shits all over his computer, so what else is new?

||xhackzor.divax||: but YEW HIZ GURL.

Nikiea Barnes: Well, he doesn’t see it that way.

Nikiea Barnes: So, you hacked me..you actually got around all my programs?

Nikiea Barnes: I applaud you, I haven’t been severly hacked in YEARS. Almost 8 yrs since that last happened by the way.

||xhackzor.divax||: ty

||xhackzor.divax||: i wnted 2 c who u were

Nikiea Barnes: Well?

||xhackzor.divax||: u can do betta than wat ure doin.

||xhackzor.divax||: he don luv u

Nikiea Barnes: -sigh-

||xhackzor.divax||: itz tru

||xhackzor.divax||: nudesz

||xhackzor.divax||: him negelctin u

||xhackzor.divax||: i c u talkin 2 every1 bout ur relationship but ur bf

Nikiea Barnes: So, you gone sit here and tell me what to do?

||xhackzor.divax||: nah

Nikiea Barnes: Why it seems everyone that have a problem with Ced can’t spell worth shit? Whats wrong with y’all niggas keyboards? Or your pride too strong to type like a human? Which is ass backwards by the way.

||xhackzor.divax||: o im comfterable typin like disz.

Nikiea Barnes: What ever.

||xhackzor.divax||: wen u git sick of him AGAIN n leav him AGAIN hopefully u’ll learn AGAIN

||xhackzor.divax||: i can c he haz worried u for the past 2 weekz now

||xhackzor.divax||: havnt ben around

||xhackzor.divax||: jus takin off 2 do otha things

||xhackzor.divax||: look lik a bum when u guys wan 2 go out but gits all dressd wen he goes out to some comedy club wit hiz momma.

Nikiea Barnes: I really don’t have anything to say…

||xhackzor.divax||: u dont hav nothin 2 say cuz itz true.

Nikiea Barnes: But you invaded my privacy.

Nikiea Barnes: & You’re sitting here telling me things I’ve told other people.

Nikiea Barnes: Yes Ced has been neglecting me, he has been hurting me.

Nikiea Barnes: Why I’m sticking around I don’t know.

Nikiea Barnes: I don’t think I’m even in love with him any more.

Nikiea Barnes: Why I’m talking to the person who hacked him, I don’t know.

||xhackzor.divax||: itz cuz u wantd 2 hack him ur self

||xhackzor.divax||: delete hiz whole nudez folderz

||xhackzor.divax||: but dat waz it.

||xhackzor.divax||: u aint think of the phbkt

Nikiea Barnes: He’s a man.

Nikiea Barnes: He has problems.

Nikiea Barnes: I can tell he like seeing nudes.

Nikiea Barnes: He even made nude fan signs of himself for someone else.

Nikiea Barnes: That hurt me more than the nudes he had of other chicks. But those could have been fore he met me. But why would he leave them on the computer for me to see? I don’t know.

||xhackzor.divax||: yuh i know i seen em.

||xhackzor.divax||: n 2 answa yo ? itz bcuz he dont respect u

||xhackzor.divax||: dat otha ced yo best friend he luvs u like a man shud

||xhackzor.divax||: he in pittsburg tho.

Nikiea Barnes: Don’t tell me you hacked him too.

||xhackzor.divax||: nah i red all ya mssgs.

Nikiea Barnes: SMH.

||xhackzor.divax||: ced saiz he luvz u he only luv lik u said enough 2 fill tha void.

Nikiea Barnes: Yea he may only want me around to fill the void.

Nikiea Barnes: Its not like I don’t think and don’t know these things.

Nikiea Barnes: I can’t get his Y! back since you deleted it.

||xhackzor.divax||: u r very very very very very vey vey very hard 2 hack by da way

Nikiea Barnes: I know this.

||xhackzor.divax||: u miss him dont u

Nikiea Barnes: Yea, I do I’m more pissed than anything cause he hasn’t called.

Nikiea Barnes: Even when I was over at his place all he did was get up and got gussied up, he didn’t tell me where he was going nor did he tell me when he would be back.

Nikiea Barnes: I don’t talk to him? THIS MOTHERFUCKER DON’T TALK TO ME!

||xhackzor.divax||: jus drop him

||xhackzor.divax||: u n cj wud make a beautiful couple.

Nikiea Barnes: You took notes or some shit or you ain’t have shit else to do?

||xhackzor.divax||: i wantd 2 kno who u were.

||xhackzor.divax||: u interest me.

||xhackzor.divax||: ur a very strong beautiful woman asilee

||xhackzor.divax||: i cuda destroyed ced computer buht i didnt wan 2 hurt u

||xhackzor.divax||: he might think u did it.

Nikiea Barnes: & if I did? What the hell would he do that he hasn’t already done?

Nikiea Barnes: He can’t cause me no more pain than he already has.

Nikiea Barnes: I give him my all and he just takes it for granted.

||xhackzor.divax||: i kno asilee

||xhackzor.divax||: u can do betta

||xhackzor.divax||: u luv him but tha feelin aint mutual

Nikiea Barnes: What makes you so sure?

||xhackzor.divax||: cuz

||xhackzor.divax||: he wud show it

||xhackzor.divax||: tha things uve describe indicate hiz actionz r speakin way louda than hiz wordsz

Nikiea Barnes: Yea, you got that right.

Nikiea Barnes: I guess he don’t love me.

||xhackzor.divax||: he really dont

Nikiea Barnes: But if he didn’t, he wouldn’t of did the things he did for me.

||xhackzor.divax||: wel he haz a heart some whea n dat body of hisz

Nikiea Barnes: No the hell he don’t.

Nikiea Barnes: He talks so negative to me its fucking horrible.

Nikiea Barnes: Everything I do, eat, say is a problem to him.

Nikiea Barnes: He has to talk down on me all the time.

||xhackzor.divax||: den y u jus sat here n tried 2 defend him if he didnt hav a heart

Nikiea Barnes: Cause he did do some good things for me.

Nikiea Barnes: Even though I do more good things for him. I don’t ask for much half the time not even a thank you.

Nikiea Barnes: I just want to show him that I love him.

||xhackzor.divax||: stop wastn ur time

||xhackzor.divax||: he dont luv u

||xhackzor.divax||: hez a bitch azz nigga a coward a bum a piece of crap

Nikiea Barnes: Now you didn’t have to say all of that.

||xhackzor.divax||:itz true

Nikiea Barnes: Its not.

||xhackzor.divax||: w/e tho

||xhackzor.divax||: keep stickin aroun 2 get hurt

Nikiea Barnes: You didn’t have to delete his Yahoo Account, he just got hacked and he was looking for jobs and that was the way to contact him for jobs.

||xhackzor.divax||: oh wel sukz 4 him

||xhackzor.divax||: he gon reap wat he sew

||xhackzor.divax||: since he dont lik me now he got a bigga reason not 2

Nikiea Barnes: SMH

Nikiea Barnes: As much hate I have for Ced right now. I wouldn’t do no shit like that even if I do hate his guts right now.

Nikiea Barnes: You could of just hacked me and destroyed my shit, you didn’t have to hack him.

||xhackzor.divax||: i dun understand y u still hurt dat i hacked him

||xhackzor.divax||: he hurtz u all da time!

||xhackzor.divax||: n u still luv him

||xhackzor.divax||: u a idiot

Nikiea Barnes: I guess I’ll be that.

||xhackzor.divax||: dats fukd up

||xhackzor.divax||: i wudnt stay wit no1 who hurtz me

Nikiea Barnes: …

||xhackzor.divax||: ok ok lemme ask u diz

Nikiea Barnes: Ask me what?

||xhackzor.divax||: do he got $?

Nikiea Barnes: No.

||xhackzor.divax||: do he take u out

Nikiea Barnes: No.

||xhackzor.divax||: du he spend qality time wit u

Nikiea Barnes: No, not really.

||xhackzor.divax||: wtf r u still wit him den

||xhackzor.divax||: watz makin u stay

||xhackzor.divax||: i kno it isnt tha sex i bet

Nikiea Barnes: You’re upsetting me.

||xhackzor.divax||: i want u 2 b

||xhackzor.divax||: i want u so u can figa out y u still wan 2 b wit some1 who haz nothin

Nikiea Barnes: He don’t have to have materialistic shit.

Nikiea Barnes: Of course if I was only with him for money and sex.

Nikiea Barnes: I would of been left.

Nikiea Barnes: I don’t give a damn about having sex though, I don’t have to have it.

Nikiea Barnes: But that materialistic bullshit you trying to feed me …you know what?

Nikiea Barnes: YOU can CHALK it.

||xhackzor.divax||: still havnt answerd my ?

||xhackzor.divax||: y r u wit him

||xhackzor.divax||: u think he wont b able 2 find someq else

||xhackzor.divax||: some1

Nikiea Barnes: No I don’t think any of that.

||xhackzor.divax||: den y

||xhackzor.divax||: y r u wit a bum

Nikiea Barnes: Why are you judging him?

||xhackzor.divax||: y r u answerin a ? wit a ?

Nikiea Barnes: Cause I don’t understand why you’re even involved in this and wanting to know these things about me, I don’t even know why you wanted to know who I am.

Nikiea Barnes: Why?

Nikiea Barnes: I can’t understand how someone can just hack someone for apparently no reason.

Nikiea Barnes: You, you just hack cause you didn’t like him and all cause he didn’t like you.

Nikiea Barnes: What kind of shit is that?

||xhackzor.divax||: real shit

||xhackzor.divax||: wen u dont like some1 u do somethin bout it

Nikiea Barnes: Yea whatever.

||xhackzor.divax||: now tell me

||xhackzor.divax||: y r u wit a bum

Nikiea Barnes: He’s not a bum!

Nikiea Barnes: Quit fucking saying that!

||xhackzor.divax||: dis guy haz hurt u

||xhackzor.divax||: n u take up 4 him

||xhackzor.divax||: wat is it bout him u luv so muc

Nikiea Barnes: I don’t know okay?

Nikiea Barnes: I don’t fucking know.

Nikiea Barnes: I just know he needs me right now. I don’t want to abandon him but he keeps making me want to.

Nikiea Barnes: I don’t want to go back on my promise to always be there for him.

Nikiea Barnes: I told him I would love him no matter what I would be there for him, he will always have me.

||xhackzor.divax||: wel sweety hez takin dat fo grantd

||xhackzor.divax||: he kno u gon stik around so he gone use dat 2 hiz advantge

Nikiea Barnes: That could be true but I don’t think he would do that to me.

||xhackzor.divax||: n 1 of ur mssgs

||xhackzor.divax||: u told some1 u dont evn kno who he iz

||xhackzor.divax||: y iz dat

Nikiea Barnes: Cause we don’t talk we don’t sit down and talk. He knows more about me than I know about him and I willingly told him those things.

Nikiea Barnes: He can’t seem to do that to me cause…

Nikiea Barnes: I don’t know.

||xhackzor.divax||: cuz he dont luv u

||xhackzor.divax||: if he treatz otha bitchz betta than u specialy dem online bitchez u dun have shit comin asile

||xhackzor.divax||: git out this relat. while u can.

||xhackzor.divax||: u can b his friend n still b there for him

||xhackzor.divax||: u can still luv him

||xhackzor.divax||: find some1 thats gone luv u like u luvd him

||xhackzor.divax||: stop hurtin ur self

||xhackzor.divax||: i kinda now feel srry dat i hackd him

||xhackzor.divax||: i thought hackin him wud make u feel betta

Nikiea Barnes: Once ago it would had.

Nikiea Barnes: But now, he didn’t need that bullshit.

Nikiea Barnes: Now he has to start from square one again.

Nikiea Barnes: I don’t even know who you are for you to think that I would want you to hack him. If I wanted to, I could of destroyed his shit a yr ago when I first left him if that’s the case.

||xhackzor.divax||: i waz already n da process of hakin him fo a while

||xhackzor.divax||: den i find out u wit him

||xhackzor.divax||: i wantd 2 c how gud of a hacka u r

||xhackzor.divax||: u r a gud 1

||xhackzor.divax||: cuz indeed i hav 6 viruses now n 157 trojanz

Nikiea Barnes: Good for you.

||xhackzor.divax||: gurl find some1 else

||xhackzor.divax||: he not worth it

Nikiea Barnes: Oh yes he is.

Nikiea Barnes: In my eyes, his short ass is!

Nikiea Barnes: I’m not about to give up on so easily like I was about to.

Nikiea Barnes: He always think I give up well not this time damnit.

Nikiea Barnes: He may not feel the same about me about certain things but I don’t care.

Nikiea Barnes: At least in the future he’ll know someone really loved him with all the soul she had left.

Nikiea Barnes: At least I hope he realizes that.

||xhackzor.divax||: yuh ma well i didn giv u nothin on yo computa

||xhackzor.divax||: u wernt tha 1 i wantd to attak

||xhackzor.divax||: ur luv and desire iz so strong

||xhackzor.divax||: i jus feel he does not deserve dat or u

||xhackzor.divax||: he wont even give up cs 4 u

Nikiea Barnes: I’m still on there.

Nikiea Barnes: Until my Birthday anyway.

||xhackzor.divax||: which iz sept 7

||xhackzor.divax||: i hope he realiz wat he haz b4 itz 2 late

||xhackzor.divax||: u r one n a trillion

||xhackzor.divax||: he will neva find no1 who stick around and luv him 4 who he is ever agin

||xhackzor.divax||: i guess im srry about hackin him n u but i still dnt like him

Nikiea Barnes: You don’t have to. I love him and thats all that SHOULD matter.

||xhackzor.divax||: i hop he change

||xhackzor.divax||: a nigga like ur bestfriend wud kno how 2 treat u

Nikiea Barnes: I know that but I’m not giving up on us and that’s final.

||xhackzor.divax||: wat if he cheatz on u

Nikiea Barnes: Well thats where I would have to draw the damn line.

||xhackzor.divax||: but tha shit he doin is almost as hurtful as much as cheatin wud be

Nikiea Barnes: How do you know?

||xhackzor.divax||: cuz i can tell tha way u typd

||xhackzor.divax||: ur very poetic too

Nikiea Barnes: SMH

Nikiea Barnes: You’re not giving me any valid points at this present time.

||xhackzor.divax||: u luv him deres no gettin around dat

||xhackzor.divax||: i cant influence u 2 hate him n e more dan u already do

||xhackzor.divax||: y stay miserable

Nikiea Barnes: …

||xhackzor.divax||: u cant even answer dat

||xhackzor.divax||: im hittin all da nailz on da head

Nikiea Barnes: I wish I could hit you over the damn head.

||xhackzor.divax||: wat cuz im right

||xhackzor.divax||: now whoz bein petty

Nikiea Barnes: You, of course.

||xhackzor.divax||: no u

Nikiea Barnes: If I am, then I have the right to, you hacked my boyfriend.

Nikiea Barnes: You invaded my privacy.

Nikiea Barnes: You sat here and called my boyfriend names.

Nikiea Barnes: & You calling ME petty?

Nikiea Barnes: The fuck out of here.

||xhackzor.divax||: u mad now

Nikiea Barnes: I’ve been mad

Nikiea Barnes: I’ve been mad since Thursday.

Nikiea Barnes: Ain’t shit new about that.

||xhackzor.divax||: so ur madd er

Nikiea Barnes: Go away.

Nikiea Barnes: Cause I realize I give Ced a hard time sometimes and sometimes I can get possessive, and a bit jealous but unlike all the niggas I’ve been with. I can honestly say he do love me after I just sat here and thought about it. HE DO LOVE ME. SO FUCK WHAT YOU THINK!

||xhackzor.divax||: ok ok

||xhackzor.divax||: w.e

||xhackzor.divax||: im not gon hack him nomo

||xhackzor.divax||: no need 2

||xhackzor.divax||: he got 2 find jobz all ova agin

Nikiea Barnes: You is pissing me off…I swear you are.

Nikiea Barnes: I want to make a device where I can reach into the monitor and blow your brains out.

||xhackzor.divax||: lol

||xhackzor.divax||: k

||xhackzor.divax||: i stop

||xhackzor.divax||: gud luk tho

||xhackzor.divax||: u gon need it

Nikiea Barnes: I don’t need luck. You need it.

Nikiea Barnes: Now um, prepare for the worse the next time you cut your computer off and decide to cut it back on.

Nikiea Barnes: Yea well I’m about to boot you off right now so I bid you farewell.

I don’t know what made her think we was just gone have a woman talk without her paying a price. You hurt me by getting to him now you don’t have none of your programs or your computer. I hope she have fun getting that shit fixed. I thought I met my maker but all I met was a bitter bitch.

What if I

Was that bitch that got sick of your shit. When out and found another dick. Coming back to you giving you none cause nigga you ain’t slick. Look in your eyes and just laugh in your face. What you getting mad for, it was you who had my feelings all over the place. I’m sitting here waiting getting mad as hell while you probably over thinking about what I could be thinking, saying oh well. When I finally see you you gone wish you stayed away. You know damn well its gone be hell to pay. I’m sitting here miserable as hell needing  relief from this pain. Here my medicine is in your got damned house which is a got damned shame. You couldn’t even call and tell me you were okay, first of all you didn’t tell me you was gone be gone this long anyway. You don’t tell me shit you just have me lost. You better hope I don’t get angry when I see you cause your life gone is what its gone cost. You is a bitch ass nigga and I can’t believe I’m sticking with you. I’ve gave you my all and did my best to stay true. 3 yrs I’ve known you and I thought I knew who you are. I was gone take us away from here, start a family, have a big ass house and a car. I had dreams for us to grow stronger and good. But you’ve been neglecting me instead of helping me like a real nigga should. I turned down a lot of niggas just to be with you. No telling when I see you what I’m gone do. I hope you don’t say some shit out the ass. Cause the moment you say that shit, that’ll probably be your last.

He Needs Me (Edited)

I love my boyfriend very much. & I just got this feeling that he needs me more than anything. But on the other hand, I have needs and wants too. Lately though I’ve been trying to keep my cool and let things just go smoothly for once. Its been fine mostly and I feel sad sometimes to see that he doesn’t have a job yet. I’m sad myself cause I can’t seem to have a job. We both need jobs but we do have each other for how long that’ll be. I’m sitting here missing him but he probably not missing me at all. I don’t know. I’m just so sick of Cleveland, I just want to take him and leave, go some where where it wouldn’t be a problem to get a job or have things to do.

But I’m just happy to be getting the attention that do get from him, even though it isn’t much. Its enough I guess. I just wish my anger didn’t get the best of me sometimes. I wish I could tell him these things but I don’t want him to think different of me like he already do. He already don’t take me seriously half of the time. But I love him always and always will. No matter how mad or pissed off me make me. If thats the only promise I make, that’ll be the only promise I’ll keep. I bet my life on it.

-N-

Too Through With You

I’m at home on my computer cause even the thought of using that despicable computer of my “boyfriends” makes my stomach hurt. Yea, this is another thread about him. Its not going to many more of these.

This nigga’s actions speak so much louder than words. Its not like he don’t know shit. Its not like keep the nigga in the dark about shit. He don’t care. He’ll get all gussied up to go to some funky ass comedy show but when we go out he just wash under his arms and put on something that he had on that following day or just say he ready. I mean even though we are just going to the movies. At least care enough about your appearance. I mean shit when I leave from here it look like I’m going some where important and all I’m doing is to go see him and to just sit in the apartment the whole day playing video games.

I was sitting at the bus stop thinking about so much shit it almost brung tears to my eyes. I’m sick of blogging this shit out. If he didn’t make it feel like telling him would be a waste of his time listening maybe I would tell him. If he didn’t make me feel like my feelings are something not getting so worked up over then maybe I would have enough courage to tell him about himself.

He makes me so damned angry. I never gotten this angry over anyone I’ve ever been with. This relationship is truly not meant to be. I pictured me telling him to his face that I can’t do it any more and that I’m not in love with him any more and just breaking into tears. I never almost cried or gotten this angry over any relationship. EVER.

Being there more often and around him made me see the person for who he really is. Yea yea he tries and what not but it don’t last. It only last when I say something and if I keep saying something. But no he don’t do it cause it hurts me, he only do it to fill the void. Yea he don’t shit to call his own, no money, nothing to show for what he went to school for but I loved him anyway for the personality I thought I knew but I don’t any more. I don’t know who the fuck he is at all. I thought I didn’t know him before; well its beyond that. I never felt so much anger when I half-look at him.

He don’t compliment me or nothing, we don’t converse like adults. We don’t connect. Only on a lets call each other names and bash each other level. Not on an serious level, that shit don’t exist. If I was to say that to him, he would say either I would get mad or why don’t I say these things? It wouldn’t matter because he already got it set in his mind that he know me. Actually telling him the reasons why would fly right over his short ass. I don’t get angry all the time.

Lately though, he hasn’t been considering nothing of me. This feeling of neglect has a strong hold on me and yes he has been neglecting me this past week and this week.  I only see him so often now. Whats fucked up, I’M THERE! Not over here, but there. He’ll stay in the same room with me for five damned seconds but his love of his life, that sad, abuse, poor excuse for a computer beckons him every single minute that he’s around. I try to think of things to keep my mind occupied and what not, I try to do things to keep me from getting angry. I try so hard but I can’t deny the fact that this relationship is for the birds.

I put my all in the relationships I get in. Even when I have my doubts. i try helping out the best way I can. I try. He don’t realize what he has in front of him. He don’t care, he only trying to get in where he fit in. With his small ass, thats every where. I can’t win, at all. Its either say something and get told you’re wrong in all types of ways but one. Or not say anything and feel worse than if you open your mouth. I’m not the one to give up on things like this. Like he say I give up to easily. No the hell I don’t, I’m just sick of fighting for affection, attention, love. Cause he say it but I seriously don’t believe it. When I hear it, I hear, I hate you, I hurt you, I don’t love you. When I read it, its as blank as my face right now. The spark that once was in love with this nigga is gone. I don’t even know if I just love him not. I would have to sit and think about that.

He never even told me why he love me or even like me around. I shake my head cause I’m realizing so much shit its sickening. I’m tired, the more I think the more I so ready to give up & now that I’ve thought about it for the last two weeks or so. Its time to completely forget about him.

The Single Life

I always hear people saying that they’re tired of the single life and that they want a boyfriend/girlfriend or what not. Well sometimes being single is the best thing for some. Like me, I’m not single but lately I’ve been wondering would I be going through these life changes, insecurities and this lack of trust I have with someone if I was? I highly doubt that I would. As I sit; think, wonder, observe, and put things together. I’m finding out more from my significant other without me opening my mouth. Most of it is negative but theres no point in me even discussing that. Okay yesterday he leaves, doesn’t call, message nothing. Don’t let me know he’s okay, nothing. I got a call from my grandmother that evening and she needed someone to watch the house while she go to the hospital with the Uncle sense everyone else in the house was out. I couldn’t even go cause it was late but if It wasn’t I could of walked. He has my bus pass and he couldn’t even have the common courtesy to call and tell me anything. He has my number and shit.

He’s getting a little to damned comfortable in this relationship. Meaning his true form is showing. Its not like it was that much covered but shit I didn’t notice before; I’m catching on to. He got one more time to whatever me and I’m going to snap. He contradicts the fuck out of himself. He ask a question then when he gets an answer he didn’t/don’t want to hear he says whatever like he shouldn’t of asked or didn’t want to know in the first damned place. I’ve never been angry at any of my significant others every other damned day. Like I said in my other blog, this relationship is more stress than its worth. Day after day I’m finding less and less things thats keeping me around. I’m just waiting on that last leaf to make its way to the ground. That last straw, that last drop; that last breath. I don’t know if I would snap or just leave. Its come down to the point it wouldn’t even be a point in me even getting angry or even saying anything when it doesn’t mean squat TO him.

He in a minute is gone have his basketball friends, his best friend, his myspace friends, his CS friends and Y! friends but the girlfriend; is going to be gone. She might go back on her promise and not even be his friend. She might go back on her word and leave him. She just damned well might go back on everything she vowed not to do for the sake of her blood pressure.

Its like he think cause he has the title “boyfriend” he gets special treatments and shit. I mean yea the little shit but some shit he just makes me want to release all my anger out and clothesline the shit out of him. He don’t realize I can get angry enough to toss his ass. I don’t never remember much or know where the strength come from but someone usually gets hurt when I’m that angry. I hate bottling shit up, I hate repeating myself, I hate going through this shit over and over, I’m almost hate caring cause all it looks like to me is him getting a free ride. Well since he like living in filth; he like the way his home looked before I came around. Well thats how its gone be. I’m not gone pick up after him at all. I’m going to let him be on his daily scheduled routine; like I’m not around or something. I’m going to act invisible most of the time. This living arrangement is only temporary.

SOON as I get me a damn job and a damned good one I WILL be looking for me a place ASAP. & No he can’t move in or come dirty up my place either. MAN it ain’t even about his capabilities of cleaning or the fact his house if I wasn’t there wouldn’t get/be cleaned. Its the fact he takes advantage of shit.

You know, I’m very random with my blogs, I jump from one topic to another but still is understood ROYALLY. Anyway, this medicine that I’m taking; causes mood swings. But this is NO mood swing. These are bottled feelings that can’t but want to escape, want to be heard, want to be seen, want to be acknowledged. But the man that is the main reason to all the madness is so blind, to the fact that he doesn’t realize he’s blind. He think its easy talking to him, he think its easy discussing shit to him. Everything is one sided cause he got this facade that he has all the answers. I hate that about him. He don’t have all the answers. He don’t know half of which he speak. When I cook, he has a problem with that. That irks the FUCK out of me when someone tell me what to do in the damned kitchen. I’m not kitchen illiterate. I know my way around. Let me move around that bitch to the best of my abilities. Don’t tell me what to put in a pan. Let me do this. You wasn’t in the kitchen when I started don’t try to be in there when I damned there finished. When I do eat, he has a problem with that. He says I play around with my food; I’ve never done that a day in my life. He says I never eat. No you aren’t around me every single moment. The 3-day weekend he was gone, I ate at least 50-60 times. I kept going back and back and forth to the store and to the fridge. I couldn’t stop eating and I haven’t taken my medicine yet. So he thinks he knows me, he thinks he knows my habits. When he only knows what he see’s. Nothing that happens repeatedly, just that one time and he knows right away I do it all the time. Get that bullshit out of here Ced. We have NOT ONCE sat down and told each other our dreams, or even told where and how we grew up face to face.

Haven’t even told you how I got so talented besides looking and shit and being stuck in the house when I was younger. Yea the shit I wrote you but the things you say and do to be is very obvious that you read it with your mind and eyes closed. Maybe you read it but shit you didn’t remember half the shit that was said cause you didn’t read it. I hate wasting my time thinking I’m going to get through that person only to be let down in the end. I give my all and that isn’t enough. I knew I should of just stay with my girlfriend. We was cool man but we grew a part after high-school and shit. I would love to just turn back the tables and not even deal with the things that come with a penis. Some no MOST of y’all men of today that sit and chat with face-less people on the net day in day out is forgetting that it’s going to be a day where someone is going to care and be there for you, but y’all just gone push them away cause you let that e-life rub off on you and thats all the hell you know. Half the time the e-life you’re living is fake and you just so happened to start believing the shit and start acting it out in real life. Whether its calling females bitches or just not being themselves all together.

Another thing, I’ve talked to my ex about all the nudity on this computer I’m using; which is my boyfriends. She told me that even if she was a nigga she would have the respect to make that shit disappear. Thats disgusting and rude as fuck to even have that shit right in your face and its also a sign of cheating and worse things to come/happen. Either that person got a problem or he just don’t give a damn about you and think them bitches he’ll never fuck is more worthwhile than the one thats actually putting up with his bullshit and being there for him. She told me to let him keep e-fucking them face-less bitches miles and miles away. He gone look up and thats all the hell he gone have.

My ex-girl is just as real as me but unlike her when she speak people actually try to better themselves for good. Not for no damn week like my boyfriend but for life.

He is great to be around don’t get me wrong there are some good qualities about him. Or I wouldn’t be sticking around. I’m a sucker for love but I ain’t no damn fool. Its not even about the sex; its pretty obvious I don’t need it in my life. I mean I get the occasional horny-ness but who doesn’t? Anyway, if it were more good qualities to out-weigh the bad qualities, I would be back in love with him but sadly, I’m out of it. I just love him. I’m not in love with him no more. That flame blew out a yr ago. Its sad its going to be 3 yrs and I know less about him than I did 2 yrs ago. People say if you fall out of love, you were never in love to begin with. People fall out of love like a chronic depressed person stops doing things they loved the most.

Also its like he hiding something. My gut is always right and my heart, every time I think about it; it starts beating fast. So yea he’s hiding something and its bad but he says he not hiding anything but I’m rarely paranoid. I’m rarely not on the money. I be right on the money. & If he don’t just come out with it, this relationship won’t make it to this November and maybe not even that long. My heart is already telling me to throw in the towel on this relationship. Its not anything major that he’s doing thats causing me to want to break up. Its the same little shit that keeps getting to me.

I know what I like in a man when it comes to a relationship. Just not with him, I don’t know whats keeping me around, I don’t know why I’m bothering myself with him. Not only does my heart tells me about the bad but it has a good side too. I think about down the road I guess. I guess that keeps the relationship going. Plus I can just sit and think about certain things he does or say and I just burst out laughing; damned there in tears.

Its very simple in fact; keeping me happy that is. Just make me laugh and do things with me. Its probably my last relationship, I go so much attention from that abomination. I kind of want that back. The attention my boyfriend gives me half the time isn’t something I want. Usually I end up bruised and or in a choke hold from him wrestling with my ass. I guess beggars can’t be choosers. I’ll get the attention anyway I can I guess.

if i had a dollar for all of the times I thought I’d found the right one
i’d be a billionaire
i could probably ride out and go and buy me one
i wouldn’t mind a dude
that could take my attitude
and take the time to listen
someone that understands when i need a little space
and when i need attention. All you got to do is come around.

-N-

Would You? (Edited)

If you cheated on me would you tell me? (He would probably hide it until he get caught).

If you had thoughts of cheating on me would you tell me? (He wouldn’t tell me he would rather hurt me).

If you had a secret and it may jeopardize our relationship, would you tell me? (Nope, he wouldn’t).

If you needed someone to talk to, would you try to come to me? (Hell no he wouldn’t he would go to everyone else all cause he think “I wouldn’t understand”).

Would you tell me the truth about things when I ask? (No, he wouldn’t he rather lie and tell me he don’t lie).

Would you try to better yourself, even for me? (Nope, if he do, it’ll be for a week or until he think I’m not thinking about his ways).

Would you believe me if I told you that you don’t need to have all the things you want in order to be happy? (Maybe, if he don’t see that then I thought I was blind).

Would you at least trust me and try to understand? (Nope, its either he’s right and I’m wrong).

Would you try your best to be there for me? (He tries and I give that to him, thats like only one of the qualities that I still love about him).

Would you love me even if I was using a walker or a wheelchair? (Nope, he would just make me his friend).

If I needed to ask you for advice, would you try to answer it maturely? (Nope, he’s too much of an asshole).

If I was hurt in any kind of way, would you console me? (Nope he rather make it hurt more and do something else to make it worse).

If I started to cry out of anger or frustration or any thing, would you hold me? (Nope, he would stand and look at me and ask me am I okay then go back on the computer).

If I asked you to do something that wasn’t really hard to do, would you do it? (Maybe, like a yr from when I asked he’ll do it).

Would you understand I get angry at you and get sick of you cause I care about you and you don’t see that? (Nope, he think I do shit and not have a legitimate reason).

Would you judge me if I told you my whole life story? (He probably would).

If I asked you to clean off you computer, photobucket, etc etc completely if you loved me, would you? (Hell no, or he would just delete the ones I know about).

If I asked you to delete your CS, your Myspace or whatever, would you? (Nope, he needs his entertainment).

If I asked for your passwords to all your community site pages and Y!’s, would you give them to me? (Nope, he has too many damn secrets).

If I needed someone to lean on, would you be the one to turn to? (No, cause he has too many other things to do like chat, leave and not be bothered with the girl that loves him. He rather neglects me and do want he feels is best for him).

–

Most of these for a fact I know would be a NO.

The Quietness. The Relationship. The Issues.

Besides their being a fight on the floor my “boyfriend” lives on. Its been fairly quiet. I never had time to myself; it gave me a lot to think about.  Though,  with me and this “relationship” I’m in, my heart is telling me to throw in the towel; call it quits. Its no coming to an agreement with someone who has problems. Its not like I don’t know what I like in person, I do and thats the problem. He does a lot of shit you aren’t supposed to do in a relationship cause he has problems. Well it feels as if I should just be friends with him without benefits cause this is totally getting out of hand. Yea he tries to change but that lasts a week or so. He’s kicking on 30’s door and hopefully down the line, he’ll find someone who wouldn’t mind walking in on him watching someone else on cam or asking for nudes or better yet taking advantage of you by pretending you don’t exist. Then maybe when she get tired she can tell him about himself and then maybe just maybe she’ll get over him saying “I don’t do that”. & still love him anyway.

This relationship is more painful and stressful than its worth. Saying nothing makes me miserable but saying something makes it worse. Well I can’t help if I don’t like confrontations or if being that I don’t like being a burden on someones life cause they’re so used to the same ole daily routine to even notice that theres someone here who cares about them. What would he need from someone else that I’m not offering or giving? Its a lot of things unanswered cause he isn’t the type to talk to me like a human being. He’s comfortable to talking to everyone else but when it comes to me; its like if its nothing negative he won’t bother fucking with the subject.

I have to get upset or to get tired for him to want to ask me what he’s doing wrong. You know people who even asks that feel that they aren’t doing ANYTHING wrong to begin with. Reason why I don’t even bother half of the time cause it’ll be a lost cause.

Most of the things I explain to him isn’t really worth him going out of his way to him. I can tell by the way he treats me. He really don’t realize that he does the shit that he do. If I’m only here to fill the void than what the hell? I can always vacate the premises and he’ll can never hear or see from me again. Cause thats what I feel like. Like I’m some toy or computer he messes with when he feels is the right opportunity to do so. Or when there isn’t no messages for him on Myspace, better yet when they’re aren’t much to respond to on CS or if people on his Y! List isn’t available for his bullshit.

He’s a bully too. I’ve never been in a relationship like this, he doesn’t intentionally, physically hurt me but he does it other ways besides disregarding what I say. I feel even typing my thoughts out is a waste of damn time and space for a more intellectual blog.

Okay, okay any human in they right mind know in a relationship its not okay to:

-Flirt/Cake. Some may not see it has being something wrong but when I see the shit? Maybe I’m being too possessive or not enough but he don’t give a fuck. Well eventually I’m NOT gone give a fuck and just leave and not say why.  Or give him a heads up.

-Ask for nudes constantly. Its too many people asking me do I know that he’s still asking for nudes and shit and even got a caught a few times.

-Watch other females on Cam. I walked right in on one of his sessions. Be as it may, it could of been harmless but shit I’m in the next got damned room! (I swear I want to call him a son-of-a-bitch.)  I’m getting pissed.

-Have numerous files of nudes/fan signs of himself and other females on a computer that is used by the girlfriend, if you’re going to have them make them disappear. That kind of shit destroys relationships.

-Treating other females better than your own girlfriend. & I’m not talking about the ones he know personally, talking about the ones he mess with that lives damn there across the globe.

-Spending more time on the computer than actually trying to make the relationship grow. I mean if he was around mentally more often and actually listened to me I wouldn’t have to pick up a damn game controller or go to a damn computer to keep from getting pissed.

-Not considering feelings. He does it so much and he sometimes don’t care. Like the other day when he came back from some where this nigga KEPT calling me “doggy”.  What in the hell? I told him to quit but he didn’t. I’ve gone through enough verbal abuse for a lifetime and I’m not gone take that shit from him. I’ll kill him first and thats on everything I love. I mean that from the bottom of my heart. I would go to jail over some small shit like name calling. I should only have to ask him once. I had to use profane language for him to realize I was fucking serious. He got one more time and I won’t resist. It WILL and thats a promise be more than just a finger broken.

Anyway, he needs some growing up to do. A LOT of growing up to do not just SOME. Its getting really annoying typing this shit out and not telling him. What would be the point? I’m trying my damnedest for this to work and he not trying to make it work. I hope if this don’t work that he be alone for the rest of his fucking life with just his computer, some K.Y Jelly, web cam and his video game controller.

I Wish Me & My Boyfriend Could Converse Like This…

Kiq.Roqz.Graphiqz: lol
Best friend: my nigga bernie mac died
Best friend: im hurt
Best friend: i had to go to the hospital lastnite
Kiq.Roqz.Graphiqz: what happened?
Best friend: i passed out
Best friend: my body shut down
Best friend: im stressed
Best friend: this chick is puttin me thru so much shit niki its not even funny
Kiq.Roqz.Graphiqz: I don’t know why you’re putting up with it.
Best friend: i kno niki
Best friend: u gotta see ya boi i dont look happy nomore i just look depress
Best friend: depressed
Kiq.Roqz.Graphiqz: leave that chick alone?
Kiq.Roqz.Graphiqz: thats an option…
Kiq.Roqz.Graphiqz: you have to work today?
Best friend: just came from work
Best friend: niki its alot goin on with me
Best friend: we need to have a phone convo lol
Kiq.Roqz.Graphiqz: Ion have any minutes.
Best friend: what u got pre paid
Kiq.Roqz.Graphiqz: naw
Kiq.Roqz.Graphiqz: I used them all getting stuff straightened out.
Best friend: its the weekend thp
Best friend: tho
Kiq.Roqz.Graphiqz: my weekend minutes aren’t free anymore.
Kiq.Roqz.Graphiqz: thats how I used them up.
Best friend: oh iight
Best friend: well ill tell u on here lol not but later on tonite
Best friend: i dont even feel like talkin bout it
Best friend: hol up dont u got atnt
Best friend: at&t
Best friend: yo niki u gona be on later tonite
Kiq.Roqz.Graphiqz: yea
Best friend: ima hit u up then i gotta go somewhere with my grandma
Kiq.Roqz.Graphiqz (8/9/2008 7:08:33 PM): ok
Best friend: plz be on niki
Best friend: i need someone who understand me to talk too
Best friend: love u big head
Kiq.Roqz.Graphiqz: ttyl
Kiq.Roqz.Graphiqz: hey
Kiq.Roqz.Graphiqz: guess what I’m doing…
Best friend: what
Kiq.Roqz.Graphiqz: watching Michael Jackons videos.
Best friend: lol
Best friend: i thought u was gona say porn
Kiq.Roqz.Graphiqz: naw
Best friend: lol
Kiq.Roqz.Graphiqz: I’m glad you
Kiq.Roqz.Graphiqz: you’re back.
Kiq.Roqz.Graphiqz: I needed someone to mess with.
Best friend: lol i need someone to talk too

Best friend: im so deprssed

Best friend: depressed

Kiq.Roqz.Graphiqz: I’ve been depressed for years…it doesn’t bother me any more.
Best friend: yea’
Best friend: damn i cant go thru this nomore
Kiq.Roqz.Graphiqz: then don’t.
yung ced: she gotta go
Kiq.Roqz.Graphiqz: then thats that.
Best friend: i rather be single man im tired of gettin my heart broken
Kiq.Roqz.Graphiqz: stop rushing into things.
Best friend: u rite
Best friend: i feel so dumb niki
Best friend: i think ima sucka for love
Kiq.Roqz.Graphiqz: You
Kiq.Roqz.Graphiqz: ‘re human
Kiq.Roqz.Graphiqz: I hate my boyfriends keyboard.
Best friend: yea tru
Best friend: people at my job look at me today n was like he aint bust on not one person the whole day
Best friend: something is wrong
Kiq.Roqz.Graphiqz: I’ve been quiet for the last two days.
Kiq.Roqz.Graphiqz: I wouldn’t even speak to my boyfriend…
Kiq.Roqz.Graphiqz: Couldn’t even tell him I loved him back when he left.
Best friend: y
Kiq.Roqz.Graphiqz: I think I’m going to have an emotional breakdown.
Kiq.Roqz.Graphiqz: I don’t know what to think…
Best friend: y
Kiq.Roqz.Graphiqz: I was thinking and thinking about me and him and certain shit just don’t feel right.
Best friend: whats wrong niki
Kiq.Roqz.GraphiqzBest friend: Its like my trust is running thin with him…I mean I’m here now and its like…he takes advantage of that and ignores me completely.
Kiq.Roqz.Graphiqz: He runs in his room to chat with bitches on Y! and chat with people on CS…but your girlfriend is in the next room and that don’t seem like its enough.
Best friend: damn
Kiq.Roqz.Graphiqz: I mean he has changed up a lot and shit…but it seem like all that went out the window when I’m around more often.
Kiq.Roqz.Graphiqz: I’ve been real moody lately cause of the medicine I’m on causes hunger drowsiness and moodswings.
Kiq.Roqz.Graphiqz: Okay I feel better a little…I got that off my chest.
Best friend: shit niki my anger is pint up im scared to let it out
Kiq.Roqz.Graphiqz: I don’t even know if I should even get angry for allowing this to happen.
Kiq.Roqz.Graphiqz: I feel like its a stronger being inside of me that wants to get out…its a very mad and angry one too…one that can turn over mac trucks and shit.
Best friend: ur not alone
Best friend: i feel like flippin a fuckin tank
Kiq.Roqz.Graphiqz: I feel like flipping the damn world over..and tossing that shit across the damn room.
Best friend: i had this dream the other day that i finally let my anger out
Kiq.Roqz.Graphiqz: I had a very very very scary dream…the other night.
Best friend: im in the process of writin my first book
Best friend: what was it about
Kiq.Roqz.Graphiqz: Um…lets see…I wake up and go in the room and theres this figure going after my boyfriend but I can’t stop him…but right when he’s about to kill him I wake up but I’m not woke and everytime before I wake up he gets closer and closer…but everytime I wake up I’m not actually woke…I just keep doing the same shit over and over and the figure just gets closer and closer.
Best friend: damn
Best friend: damn niki
Kiq.Roqz.Graphiqz: thats like the first dream I can remember completely.
Kiq.Roqz.Graphiqz: and I have this dream every night.
Best friend: damn
Best friend: niki my dream wasnt good
Best friend: see in my dream i let the demon in me take control the only thing was when i finally snap the gates bust open the evil that i held in me they wanted
Kiq.Roqz.Graphiqz: damn
Best friend: the awaking had came again the fate of the world laid in my hands n only i the demon they called abaddon the destroyer can save the world it was my fault that the gates broke n it was only rite that i save the world
Kiq.Roqz.Graphiqz: damn
Kiq.Roqz.Graphiqz: don’t know what to say…
Best friend: n for some reason i think thats gona happen
Best friend: see when i have dreams they always come tru
Best friend: niki after i had that dream i start writin my book
Kiq.Roqz.Graphiqz: oh ok
Best friend: aint that weird about my dream
Kiq.Roqz.Graphiqz: yea
Best friend: but ya dream scared me
Kiq.Roqz.Graphiqz: yea well it doesn’t scare me…
Best friend: u had worst dreams than that?
Kiq.Roqz.Graphiqz: yea…just I don’t remember them but for a few minutes after I wake up.
Kiq.Roqz.Graphiqz: but this one…I remember plain as day like Its a tv show and I wrote the script.
Best friend: damn
Best friend: thats crazy
Kiq.Roqz.Graphiqz: yea
Best friend: niki
Best friend: i think if we put our minds together we can make the best horror movie ever
Kiq.Roqz.Graphiqz: lol
Best friend: lol
Best friend: man this might seem crazy lol but for some reason everytime i talk to u i feel love
Kiq.Roqz.Graphiqz: awww
Kiq.Roqz.Graphiqz: I can’t talk to my boyfriend like I can talk to you.
Kiq.Roqz.Graphiqz: He takes everything for a joke and he’s an utter asshole.
Kiq.Roqz.Graphiqz: But I love him anyway.

Best friend: yea
Best friend: i just wana be single i just wait for that person who knows me n i kno is gona love me to come.

Kiq.Roqz.Graphiqz: Yea…I’ve been feeling like that lately myself.

It’s Like…

People don’t give me a chance to let me explain myself. Lately though, I’ve been trying to explain to myself that your boyfriend has a damn problem and he just like nudes and seeing other bitches on cams. Even when I’m in the next room it doesn’t mean shit. I have this feeling that I’m not shit until I threaten to leave or break up. I’m not shit until I open my mouth. Its like I have to say something to him for him to realize that even though he says, he “don’t do things to hurt me”. It still does and he does hurt me cause he continues to do it. Anyway this whole blog isn’t going to be about him and past problems that keep forcing themselves into the present cause the future threatens it so.

Oh before I change the subject this man goes crazy over his Y! Messenger list like he don’t want me to find out something. Or he don’t want me to reply back to shit but he can reply back to people under mine. If he have something to hide then it’ll eventually come to light. It probably already has. He probably don’t know that I realized what he’s hiding. Half the broads on his list is either half naked or fully naked. Its gone be all to late before he actually wake up.

I’m trying this trust thing with him but my gut which is rarely wrong keeps telling me not to trust him; my heart is saying the same thing. Usually if it quacks like a duck…etc etc.

Anyway, my communications with people is very bad, I can’t look folks in the eye half the time. I don’t like talking but when its time to explain myself I have to go to my blog or something. I have to sit and think about what I want/have to say. Its very frustrating cause its like I can hear myself talk and before I open my mouth my brain tells me I sound stupid. Its reason behind all of that but thats not for strangers to read let alone people I know.

I’ve been mentally tired lately trying to know who this dude is that I go to sleep next to. But I’m not going to continue to figure him out. Half the time he acts like I caught him in something anyway. I’m not paranoid or nothing is just I know things. I have family and friends who’ve done it to me numerous times thinking I won’t know the difference in their actions.

Its like I know when someone is gay or if I wouldn’t like that person without me saying anything to them. Its not judging or anything is just I know in my heart. I’m good at reading people and sometimes I want to ask him; “what did you do or what you’ve gotten yourself into where you in here on my case acting all giddy and what not?”

I know I wouldn’t get the answer to that.

-N-

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I Am

For some reason besides all the pain and heartache I’ve gone through, I am still a nice giving person. I still try my best to help. I do a lot for my family. I haven’t gave up on them. Even though they are the source of most of my pain. People say I should leave and that I’m dumb for still being here. Others say that I should of been blown my brains out. Well I’ve tried suicide more than a few times believe it or not but for some reason my timing was off cause I kept getting caught. Now, I’m like “theres nothing worth killing yourself over”. Well, we’ll see further down the line of life if I’ll still be saying that.

Either way it go though, I am who I am. I cannot change who my family molded me to be. They’ve made me a sad, depressed, angry person. But today something was different about today. I was happy all day today I have no clue to why though and I felt weird as hell. I was even smiling and joking around with my youngest sister.

I don’t really like stressing folks and stuff only when its necessary and I confrontations are hard for me. I rather hide behind something then talk to that person. I’ve always been like that for as long as I can remember. My communication skills suck major hockey pucks. I try and try and try but it just don’t work I try to motivate myself to be a happier person or try to find things that’ll keep me happy. But, the things that keep me happy are dark, sad, gloomy things.

I put my heart and soul into a lot of things and people too. Most of the time I get crushed or it backfires. A person like me is a good one cause anyone less sane than me would of gone insane by now. Well I guess being who I am and the fact that I have a strong pride and used to so much bad and negative shit in my life it just doesn’t phase me any more.

Putting Up With B.S.

I think I put up with more bullshit than I should. That could be another reason why I’m losing hair and can’t seem to go to sleep at night. I have no type of stress relievers no more. The last one I had to move out and move back here cause he was being too much of an asshole. Anyway, I’m sitting here in the middle of Baby Iraq…shivering from thinking of the idea of leaving my safe haven to go eat. The shits sad and its getting annoying…its making me wish I didn’t move back here to help anyone. I should stayed my ass in Shaker 3 years ago. I wouldn’t of met the people I’ve met though…but then again, it could of been for the best.

People don’t even know who I am but they rather assume and judge me and make decisions for me. My own boyfriend treats me like a child at times…the hell for? Cause I am who I am? I never had a child hood…thats why I watch cartoons, thats why I have a hard time going to bed without the tv on my brother scared me when I was little to the point I need some type of light in my room. He scarred me for life. Thats why I rather be who I am than be some fake bitch. What so hard with being me? Nothing, I have a hard time trying to see myself be anyone than myself. So if anyone who have a problem with my scars…my big front teeth, my personality. So fucking what..you can and will never be able to put up with the most B.S. I put up with on a daily basis.

—

I can never worry about someone else’s problems…I can only worry about mine and HOPE they don’t get worse.

-N-

My Misery

I just realized where all my misery and my anger comes from. It comes from being around a shitty ass environment. Been looking at these same negative people, same negative walls, and this same ass negative ass vibing house since I was 9 months old. This house is full of negativity and depression. Its stressful on me cause I don’t want to be like that. When I’m not in this house, I’m okay majority of the time. Nothing is bothering and my thoughts are clear. The lies and self pity of others is luring me back here and its starting to look like an escape goat. I’m riding that bitch cause I’m so used to not being on my own now, I’m using it as a crutch. Well enough is enough.

I’ll be 21 this year and before this year is out, its going to be some changes. I’ve been saying it and saying but I’ve been avoiding it. Well thats about to stop too; in an instant. Its time I get in school and get a job. Cleveland may be a terrible and horrible place to live but all the jobs aren’t gone yet. I seriously need to get up off my ass and do something about my situation. I have a promising future and who ever is along side me, I want them to be proud of me. Not some chick who just laid on her ass all her life.

Being sick though and tired most of the time has done something to my mind. Its like when I’m not here in hell, I’m fine, I’m not sick. Yea, I get a few back pains that can jerk some tears out of me every now and then but other than that, I’m healthy as hell and I can go to sleep without taking all that damn medicine. It may seem awkward and all but thats the truth. This house is a plague that look like its only affecting me. Maybe because I’m not giving into the life my grandmother, sisters, brother, and my mom is living. Its like the house know in my heart I’m going to be happy and live a life and leave away from here and not look back.

Its like I’m refusing to listen to my psychiatrist. She keeps telling me to leave. But where to? Where can I go? I need/want my own place badly. I had one and because I’m a strong kind-hearted person I moved back in here all cause my grandmother said so. Well okay then, you asked me to move back in but I’m made to pay rent when the others who have a job doesn’t? I mind as well stayed at the place I had and just come visit her but I didn’t think of it that way. It was wonderful having my own shit.

The only thing I was missing though, was someone to call mine. But thats a different blog for a different day.

-N-

Invisible

Today, I was suppose to go to a wedding, but I didn’t. I stayed home and stayed in my room. When I did go downstairs I felt like I was invisible and that no one acknowledged my presence. I felt as if I was some ghost from the future watching on how it’ll be if I wasn’t there. I don’t know why I felt like that, but I did.

Well since I heard the news about my Uncle, I’ve been keeping to myself and trying to keep myself busy. My Uncle hasn’t came home yet. I did notice though how my grandmother went all out her way to make her son comfortable…even going to buy him a brand new bed-set from Rent-a-center, but she couldn’t even help me pay for my 42″ tv that had to go back? Bullshit.

I’m promising myself, the next time I move out, there will be no moving back this will be my last time . Today, I felt what it would feel like if I wasn’t here. I’m fine with that. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t in my own skin so I kind of knew what it felt like all along. I don’t know what let me put up with their bullshit. I don’t what made me keep coming back. Seeing that my siblings are getting better with their attitudes and they’re maturing up a little bit at a time. I have no reason to be here and they have no reason for me to be either.

I’m up in my room half of the time, mind as well say I’m not here. Mind as well be invisible. Mind as well leave, its like I already left. Half the time they think I’m gone so I mind as well be.

6 Weeks 6 Months 2 Live.

No matter amount of Keno is going to spare my uncle. He waited too long to get his gall-bladder taken out and now its too late. Now the man who considered me as his daughter for a very long time; is dying. I just found this out 3 minutes ago from my sister. I’m about to lose the only guy that was considered a father to me. That is the last thing I needed right now. He’s a very smart guy and he treated me like an equal and he believed in me. I’m talking like he’s already gone but he mind as well be. He was looking forward to Keno and letting that help him through everything. He believed he was going to get better and I believed him too. & To hear some doctor tell him tell my mom tell my grandmother tell my sister to tell me that he isn’t going to make it…period? Its bullshit to me. Why, why does shit always seem to happen to me? I try and try to look on the brighter things in life and here this shit go darkening my skies again.

I’m so emotionally, and physically exhausted, I don’t really like getting up out the bed. I can’t find a job, I just may be pregnant, I haven’t started school yet. I’m going to be 21 soon and I have nothing to show for it. I feel like I’m letting my uncle down. The more I pray though it seems the worse shit gets. I don’t want to lose faith; but its hard not to when the odds are against me. I’m so tired…so damned tired.

-Nikiea-